I went to war with God, and HE wasn't in the least bit aggressive with me. There were times; however, HE did have to check me, "when you got some sense, I'm here. What we will not have, is you talking to me like you forgot who I am to you." (This is just me paraphrasing, the silence of GOD)
I was angry with GOD, and HE pointed me to Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry but don't sin," and started to feel better. It was at this point; I finally realized GOD didn't expect me to, "be okay" and think about "moving forward." He pointed me to Deuteronomy 34:8, that showed me mourning is a part of my human experience, which I realized He most graciously extended my grief to over a year; He's so understanding.
I tossed and turned, I kicked and wailed, I clawed at my skin, and my body gave out, my mind was mute, and I was here, but wasn't. I cussed and shouted, I yelled, and I cried, and nothing made me feel better. It wasn't until I went to war with GOD, I realized, I was supposed to experience all of that with HIM. I was made aware; I trust HIM to take care of my physical needs, wants and desires; therefore, I am to believe, GOD can and will support and provide me with language and strength to endure my grief.
I waged a civil war with GOD. I felt like a failure. I felt like giving up. I threw in the towel and hoisted my white flag. I asked myself, “You went to battle GOD, only to surrender?” I did. I waved my flag and surrendered to the only Divinity, Spiritual, entity that can breathe life back into me. I surrendered to GOD. This war, I fought well, and combat I would sign up for again. I was on the battlefield of love, where everybody wins. The only way to lose is not to fight at all.
! THIS WAR IS FAITH & LOVE !